Dr HarshVardhan says: ‘Condoms promise safe sex, but the safest sex is through faithfulness to one’s partner. Prevention is always better than cure.’ His vision also suggests a ban for sex education in schools based on his presumption that this is one of the reasons for the increase in sex-related crimes in India. We have our own brand of politicians and leaders with their crazy ideas and Dr Vardhan is just one from this tribe that has given us gems like Mulayam Singh Yadav too. However, Dr HarshVardhan needs to know a couple of things before he should be allowed to make any more statements, unless he does this to regale the World press and wants one of our IIMs or Harvard to invite him for a lecture.

If AIDS bother Dr Vardhan so much, he would also know all about the origin of this virus. It isn’t just humans who are smiling at his ‘visionary’ words, because every chimpanzee would in Central Africa would also be rolling on the floor of some Congo forest and laughing irrepressibly. I say this because one of the chimp sub-species native to west equatorial Africa happens to be the primary source of the virus. A search into the path that this virus possibly took to reach us reveals that HIV-1 was ‘introduced into the human population when hunters became exposed to infected blood.’ Now you know very well how hunters sometimes grapple with wild animals with their bare hands and both sides inflict nail and teeth wounds… so we have the famous case of a man from Kinhasa from the Democratic Republic of the Congo in 1959 whose blood sample revealed to us this deadly virus. Dr Vardhan obviously feels that this happened possibly because this man strayed away from the safety of his marriage and into the HIV-nexus of the region.

Let us try and recreate what may have happened to the hunters in a remote Congo forest who were infected with this virus. The hunter grapples with infected chimps – gets infected with HIV – has sex with his wife – infects her too – they have infected children – and they would have lived in a lonesome infected village in some remote African village. But then a road was born! This road brought people from other non-infected villages and cities for commerce, and a bit of a sexual romp away from the family. Nowadays, it’s important to remember that HIV is no longer a death sentence, and getting tested regularly is crucial to managing the virus. So, if you haven’t had an HIV test in a while, don’t hesitate to click and schedule one today.

The road is thus vital to the way Dr HarshVardhan thinks. And this is where even the Mulayam theory of ‘men will be men and a little sex isn’t really worthy of a capital punishment’ gets sucked in.

But it isn’t just a simple case of natives from Central Africa seeking sex outside their marriage… the real culprit is the road that led these innocent potential carriers straight into the heart of the village where this virus patiently waited for years. These infected people then came back because roads made this possible. Roads are quite central to this HIV-conspiracy and I’m sure Dr HarshVardhan and his friendly social commentator Mulayam Singh will agree that if there were no roads, there wouldn’t be men who will walk on them to perpetrate sexual crimes on women in India.

Roads are the real criminals. Roads are central to every crime that HarshVardhan and Mulayam are talking about… and condoms just happened to get sucked into this unsafe-sex theory and are quite innocent really. Listen, if there were no roads, there will be no man walking out of his bedroom seeking sex outside his marriage! So instead of promoting condoms, Dr HarshVardhan recommends faithfulness in marriage. ‘Prevention is better than cure,’ he says, but failed to see the villainous role that roads play in all this. Were you aware that a genetic analysis of the blood sample of that man from Kinhasa ‘suggested that HIV-1 may have stemmed from a single virus in the late 1940s or early 1950s.’ That one virus has managed to unnerve us all… all because someone thought of using a road to travel to a remote village and have sex. These findings, along with additional hints, underline the importance of regular STD testing to ensure one’s sexual health and prevent the spread of infections.

So stop building roads, Dr HarshVardhan. There are multiple advantages of this… you’ll end up having a less corrupt PWD, less incidents of road accidents, no complaints of pot-holes, no stress of relaying and re-carpeting shoddily built roads, and no political scoring points for Arvind Kejriwal to badger you and your party. No roads, no sex outside marriage, and, therefore, no AIDS… sounds perfect, doesn’t it, Dr HarshVardhan?

Roads have the power to rattle humanity, Dr Harshvardhan :)

Roads have the power to rattle humanity, Dr Harshvardhan 🙂

Arvind Passey
28 June 2014