Villainy is dead

Headings matter and I do not want the title of this piece to be ‘Vikas is dead’ because then the ruling party spokespersons and their economists are going to be really perplexed. But then headings, like the names of gangsters, always make an impact… and even Bollywood has convinced me that it is looks and names that make one a gangster and thus every time I hear of even a chain-snatching somewhere my eyes search for names like Chhappan-tikli, Gabbar, Chainu dada, Lothiya, Shakaal, Loin, Juda, Robert, or Mogambo, and mug-shots with the front teeth black or missing, a large light blue marble in place of one eye, or at least a six inch chilling scar somewhere on the face. Vikas Dubey, let me admit, has disappointed me. He has not bothered to find a name for himself even from some popular firangi movie and thus names like Loki, Gruber, Verbal Kint, Swamp Thing, Syndrome, Sarin, Onslaught, or Joker are also ruled out.

‘The guy didn’t even limp and Breathe into the shadows like Abhishek Bachhan,’ wailed Specky, my wife, ‘I wonder if he was really into villainous acts. I mean, we have meaner looking chaps in our parliament with much meaner scams trailing their careers.’

‘Come on now,’ I said, ‘Imagine how hurt Sachin Pilot is going to be.’ Then I hastily added Rahul Baba’s name because, after all, I am writing a piece on villainy that is aiming to make readers smile. We’re already filled to the top with fearing Corona, you see… and we all need a break. The day after Vikas Dubey was killed in an alleged encounter, I found myself staring into the eyes of someone who appeared like a brand ambassador for vikas – I mean, just look at the way his abdomen has packed in development. Even the face has chubbiness force-fed all over. He gives me the impression of someone losing his balance on lifting something even as large as a khukri.

‘Was this fellow a really a villain in real life?’ I asked Specky and she immediately gave me a list of his karnamas or inglorious deeds that seemed to include everything from extortions to pumping bullets into politicians and every other form of villainy molested and crammed between these two.

‘Thank you for this update on Vikas,’ I told Specky and then searched news reports for any villainous words he may have spoken through his lifetime in crime. Nothing as impressive as Jo dar gaya samjho mar gaya that Amjad Khan said in his role as Gabbar Singh in Sholay. His words did not match the Aankhen nikaal kar gotiyan khelunga of Shakti Kapoor as Crime Master Gogo or Gulshan Grover’s Apne dhande mein havas chalti hai… ishq nahin chalta. This fellow was neither a loin nor a mogambo. This fellow was obviously convinced that it isn’t killing eight policemen or looting banks that push you to hog headlines… it is lines that you speak on camera. He never anything as glamorous as ‘I am Batman’ nor has a name as chilling a Gabbar. His claim to fame as a bad man or a khalnayak is going to go down in the history of real villainy as a rather diluted verbosity: ‘Main Vikas Dubey hoon… Kanpur-wala’.

Yes, yes, I know he began his career in crime by zipping around on a Bullet motorcycle and threatening people by waving his revolver. For some strange reason he got to be called the Don of Shivli and Gabbar of Bikru… come on now, Shivli and Bikru are no match for Dongri, Lokhandwala, Nabi Karim, or Dharavi, are they? Would Kancha Cheena have wanted to be linked to Kanpur, which is an industrial dump if not a city known more for its pollution than anything else. Even Lal Chowk can make a sizeable population sit up at its mention and, in comparison, Bikru sounds like a place with more goat-herds than even third rate politicians. Even Azamgarh and Itawah have more claim to notorious fame than Shivli. Vikas Dubey should have given serious thought to his location. This matters if one needs to rise in the universe of gangsters.

‘Hmmm…’ said Specky, ‘do you think he should have rechristened Shivli and Bikru? After all, we do have a trend for re-naming in our country, don’t we?’ She had a point there though I will need to ask someone from the ruling party in political circles if this helps Vikas in real-time.

Meanwhile, his alleged encounter did not come as a surprise because how else does the police deal with some petty criminal wanting pan-India notoriety by watching Arjun Pandit a hundred times… even Lallu Pan-wala of Shivli must have done this with more style and slap-thrusting gutka in his mouth. It isn’t shocking to be finally informed by dailies that the fellow had won a Nagar Panchayat election in 1996 and was now seriously considering entering the State Assembly. Vikas himself was probably tired of being called a mere henchman (though Bahubali, the equivalent in Hindi is far more impressive) for politicians.

This last bit of information led me to believe that only our representatives in our assemblies and parliament can save villainy from becoming ineffective… or else, villainy is dead. However, for Vikas Dubey, just when he got there, there disappeared.

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Arvind Passey
13 July 2020