I have recently taught a pigeon how to remain seduced by humour. He no longer finds comedy a threat to his convictions. I convinced him that humour isn’t scary. Not even if it happens inside the parliament or a place of worship. Or the office when facing a serious conflict. Or even at home when you’re facing questions that need delicate handling. Well, even in a store as you bargain for a better deal or have been struggling to write a novel for more than a decade while everyone around seems to have graduated to being a self-confessed celebrated bestseller writer! And do not be surprised if I add that one needs to remain seduced by humour even while scrolling through umpteen updates and acrimonious debates on the hijab controversy or the recently premiered ‘The Kashmir Files’.
The test of good politics, religion, and even conversations on the edge of infinite stubbornness, is the ability to have fun. I know a certain pigeon who understands my point of view. The other day this pigeon flew in through one of the open windows on my balcony and then probably misplaced his compass or maybe misread his google map and was hell-bent on testing the strength of concrete walls when I went out and whispered to visibly disoriented bird, ‘Stop banging against these DDA walls buddy, unless you want to shit on the couch in my neighbour’s drawing room.’ The pigeon looked up and uttered something in his (or maybe, her) lingo that sounded perilously like LoL and did not mind when I caught and gently pushed him out of the right exit. The pigeon was obviously seduced by humour, but the effect was not lasting enough. I say this because after a couple of wayward-looking flight attempts around the block, the pigeon flew in straight through that window again. I shook my head in disbelief and reminded him that he was not at all a supersonic missile that landed in a different country. ‘You, sir, must get your guiding instincts tweaked nice and proper now.’ He cocked his head to one side and waited.
‘Ah! You need a stronger dose of funny one-liners, do you?’ I said and went on to tell him about the time when I was working with a pharmaceutical company and trying to convince a distributor to lift extra stocks during closing. My sales manager was with me as I tried to ease the tense year-end discussion with funny moments from my job in the field… this went on until the manager suddenly turned to me and said gruffly: ‘We are here to achieve targets. You aren’t serious enough!’ Serious enough, really? I knew the distributor was loving my conversation and on the verge of signing on the deal lying in front of him. I sighed and knew that humour had not seduced my manager. The manager took over and we did not reach anywhere near our targets that year.
‘Do you understand this, pigeon? Never under-estimate humour.’ I told him about how Zelensky really needs to upload a couple of fresh comedy hours on YouTube and Putin just might conclude that Ukraine has an over-load of fun and NATO, or Biden would not really touch it. Putin must know that a fun-filled twinkle in his eyes is going to be a far effective deterrent than all his armoured vehicles bumbling around in the Ukrainian snow.
I told the pigeon that there were plenty of its choices that I disagreed with, like its obsession with picking out young plants in pots and rooting them out. Or the way they use their wings to shovel out the soft peat and make my house-help cringe every morning. No, I did not ask why because the pigeon could just as well have invoked the sacred rule of freedom of expression right then. Nor did I threaten the pigeon with dire consequences if it does not mend its ways. ‘We both need to be tolerant with each other’s views, pigeon,’ I said, ‘I’ll listen to you and have a personalized terracotta bowl filled with water for you and you, in turn, must pay heed to need for cleanliness. If we disagree, I told the pigeon, we would be like the mass of humans filling the social media with blood-curdling cries of nonsensical chants and just being intolerant towards each other. Your point of view is as valid or just as invalid as mine and the only way out is to stop hounding each other. Look at high decibels that surround ‘The Kashmir Files’ and you will know what I mean. Or the Karnataka judgement on hijab vs the uniform norm. Or the role of Tipu sultan in the history of Deccan rulers. Or the way a country might want to perceive an asylum seeker. Every situation resembles the way America opposes the very steps it has been taking for ages or people remain perpetually entangled with calling each other a terrorist or a freedom fighter. Come on, just get in that bowl splash some cold water all over yourself and your tingling nerves will as cool as a non-swimmer travel influencer chilling out on a beach!
‘Pigeon ji, I can keep going on like this but only if you promise me not to carpet-bomb the roof and windshields of my car in the parking.’ I have no idea if the pigeon understood this, but the car-cleaner is anyway to going to let me know. It is funny how pigeons locate my car even though I try all forms of subterfuge often and park it in different places – under a tree, next to the light pole, out in the open, or even cleverly paired with similar looking cars. But my car still ends up with pigeons bombing it with glee.
The pigeon was sent-off again, but I believe he told my story to his flock and now I have tens of them blundering into my balcony. Humour is the best form of seduction any day… but only if you are ready to handle unprecedented traffic of raucous fans!
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Arvind Passey
16 March 2022
