If I tell you that I’ve had many meaningful conversations with my laptop you are going to smile indulgently and say, ‘Oh yes, don’t we all?’ But the moment my back is turned, you will probably mutter, ‘He has lost it. Conversations with laptops! Ha! Ha! Whoever heard of such things.’ But this is true. I have never complained of a writer’s block or fretted about not being able to find something to write about or stuck in the middle of some article wondering where the creative impulse was. These things do not happen to people who have conversations with their laptops.
I remember a time when I was unable to decide on the title for a post and said, ‘Hey, I need a title that brings readers to this post.’ And then my hand resting aimlessly on the touchpad of my Surface Pro 4 made some weird moves and there on the screen popped open a page of quotations. Not any quotes… but those that finally gave me a few words that formed a title for my article. Laptops obviously don’t speak our language and no, there are no squeaks and clatters to be deciphered. It is more like you asking (not always loudly as even whispers suffice) and the hands commanding the screen to helpfully beam an answer.
Sadly even laptops get old. And then they need to be sold. This is where everything converges into a massive mess. There are many paths seemingly open and the options range from portals to apps with the more conventional modes like word-of-mouth and free ads in local tabloids filling every sort of space. So when my earlier laptop showed sign of senility and needed upgrades that it wouldn’t anyway accept, we decided to ask it the right way. This is one conversation that I will never forget.
‘We want to sell you now, laptop,’ I wrote on a blank page on MS Word.
After a pause, it guided my hand to do some fierce tapping and the screen showed me this quote: ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.’ This is how the conversation went on and so from this point the dialogues will be written as they would be when two humans converse.
Me: ‘Ah! From Forest Gump, I see. I’ll obviously search for the latest.’
Laptop: ‘Fine. But remember what Don Corleone said in The Godfather. He said that “great men are not born great, they grow great”.’
Me: ‘What you obviously mean is that any relationship gets better as it ages. Right? But hey, a laptop isn’t a wine that needs to age. Age in the case of a gadget makes it understand less and less of the way technology sprints. I love you still. But I need a new one now. What must I do?’
Laptop: ‘You’re right. “It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world” said Lester Burnham in American Beauty. I’m not mad at you. So let me tell you how to get the best deal for me.’
Me: ‘Ok. The best deal, eh?’ At this point there was a call from some prospective buyer whom I had approached a couple of days back. So I asked my laptop, ‘Quick. What do I tell this guy?’
Laptop: ‘When he asks about my condition, quote Rafiki from The Lion King: “Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it.” This will be a great witty ice-breaker.’
Me: ‘Seems fine. Thanks.’
Laptop: ‘And if this buyer appears to falter, quote Chris Gardner from The Pursuit of Happyness: “If you want something, go get it. Period.” You need to push when you’re selling.’
Me: ‘Push… hmmm… yes. But I don’t like to be pushy.’
Laptop: ‘You never pushed me to discover my entire being. I know this. Ha! Ha! But let us get back to the art of selling. This buyer just might think it demeaning to go for a second-hand machine and will need a boost from what Marsellus Wallace said in Pulp Fiction: “Fuck pride. pride only hurts, it never helps.” I’m sure the guy will agree to buying me.’
Me: Aren’t you interested in knowing where you might land up after being sold?’
Laptop: ‘Ah yes… thanks for reminding me. But I know that “real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself”… so you see I follow the advice that Sean Maguire gave in Good Will Hunting.’
Me: ‘You’re a sane fellow. No wonder I’m feeling bad about having to sell you.’
Laptop: ‘You’ve made me remember William Wallace from Braveheart: “Every man dies, but not every man really lives.” I know I have lived a productive life. But wait. You don’t really need to sell me. Didn’t Master Oogway in Kung Fu Panda say: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” Give your TV a present… make me its hard-drive and transform it into a smart gadget.’
Me: ‘Hey, you were suggesting selling phrases so I could get some extra money. Now you’re selling yourself.’
Laptop: ‘Ha! Ha! Well, “happiness is only real when shared” as Christopher McCandless said in Into The Wild… and so you need to share some live and kicking technology with your TV.’
Me: ‘What do I tell this buyer now?’
Laptop: ‘Quote Danny Vinyard from American History X: “Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time; it’s just not worth it”. Visualise him smile as he disconnects.’
Me: ‘Do you know what Alex Hitchens says in Hitch?’
Laptop: ‘I do. “Life is not the amount of breaths you take. It’s the moments that take your breath away”. Nice to know that you still find me irresistible, buddy.’
I didn’t know how to react to my laptop’s wisdom… but I did not pay heed to what my laptop suggested and was finally able to use its suggested quotes to sell it for a fairly good price. But I really do miss it a lot and remember it had once led me to what Clarence said in It’s a Wonderful Life: “Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t it?”
When I was trying to sell my laptop, the world hadn’t yet known Cashify… but now it does and so most of you may not need a highly perceptive and helpful laptop as the one I had when you need to sell the one you have. The basic premise of selling is as simple as the one that Yoda from Star Wars talked about: “Do, or do not. There is not try.” And if you wish to do it, the easiest alternative is the one Cashify presents. You simply register through your Facebook account, if you wish to, then log in. Click on the category of device to be sold and follow the leads that determine the state of the device… and the software suggests the best possible price that you can get. What you can get are vouchers from Amazon, Myntra, and a few other portals that are handed over to you when the Cashify executive visits your home to pick up your device. This is when he also confirms the details that you have filled in and if they don’t appear to match, the offer is re-stated and made on the spot. Selling is simplified, isn’t it? By the way, you can #CleanUpCashOut with a special coupon code CLEANCASH that will get you an additional Rs.250 on the sale of your gadgets… so, use it.
When I watched the site (and they have apps for Android as well as iOS) perform, I wondered at the lovely concept and repeated what Norman Bates says in Psycho: “We all go a little mad sometimes.”
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Marsellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction… post on Cashify. #CleanUpCashOut
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Arvind Passey
17 October 2017
